Pinkberrybug

The ones that made me snort out loud at my desk are bolded for your reading enjoyment:

1. Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

2. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

3. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

4. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

5. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

6. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

7. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

8. Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

9. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

10. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

11. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it. (THE GOOFY MOVIE! Enough said.)

12. I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

13. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

14. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.

15. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

16. Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

17. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

18. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….

19. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

20. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

21. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

22. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

23. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

24. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

25. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

26. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

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